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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

There and back again... from depression...

Have you ever been to that bottomless pit, and you feel like you have hit rock bottom, and that you landed so hard on your backside that you just know for sure that there is no way in hell (or heaven) that you can muster a single ounce of energy to pick yourself back up? What more to hurl yourself out of that bottomless pit? Then I myself have just experienced a pang of depression. Mine lasted 24 hours. How did I get out of it? My loving husband brought me back, after many failed methods to bring me around... I still have not been brought out of my reverie entirely yet, as I have not trusted myself to open my mouth and talk yet. Things are still too bleak for me.

Things started spiraling out of control yesterday during a heated argument... my hormones must really hate me! I just took everything way too seriously, 10 times fold in fact! That landed me in bed mulling things over trying to get my emotions in check. Then I received a phone call which brought the bad news of a lifetime! The bad news that totally shook my world and could change everything I have hoped for. Crying wasn't satisfactory enough... I feel the need to torture and punish myself for believing that things really could get better. But it got worse. There I was, lost in my own world, oblivious to everything around me. My stomach rumbled, signaling it was time to feed myself. But I did not feel a sliver of hunger. Then my head pounded. My migraine was worse than ever, but still it felt like a million light years away. Even my husband's voice could not reach me enough to pry me away from my comfortable bottomless pit, of which I had no intention of leaving. 

Day turned into night, night turned into morning and morning turned into noon. God willing, my husband was strong enough to finally pull me out. I regained the senses to the world that I have detached myself from the day before. Only I still yet have to feel hungry and thirsty. Syeela texted then, bearing supposed good news. She said we can still salvage the damage. But I am not pinning any more hope on anything. We are to go to Shah Alam in a while. I don't know why and for what I want to go on anymore. What do I have to look forward to now?

Maybe I should think about my innocent unborn child. I will try to live, but for the baby. Apart from that, there is nothing to life anymore. I am alone. If I fall, no one will catch me... Let me go back to that bottomless pit...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Of rotten teeth and rotten tummy...

Today's escapade with Aie, Shahnaz, Arman and baby Alya (along with Bibi) brought the whole lot of us to Midvalley at 10.30am. Alya was already cranky from the start (perhaps from the abrupt wake up call upon arrival) and Arman was wheeling the baby stroller. Alya did not seem to want to leave the sanctuary of her Mummy's arms...

We hit MPH bookstores first and distracted Arman from Toyz R Us with the promise of a dinosaur book from his Bapak. After a choosy and difficult time selecting the books the kids really like (no dinosaur books in sight, poor Arman!), we headed off towards Food Junction on level 3. I was glad Shahnaz suggested I looked up some baby books. I ended up browsing through a copy on giving birth. Yikes! Somebody give me an epidural now! However, so far I was feeling great, apart from the occasional abdominal pain and the impending migraine that threatened to burst a vessel very soon.

Before going for lunch, Aie decided we could perhaps enjoy a little furry time at the pet store! Wee! It made me so darn maternal! Or perhaps I just so much wanted to adopt one of the cute pets... And then I saw the snake! Ooooh I would love one. Arman became excited with  the birds, as he referred them as the Angry Birds! So funny, Arman... 

Next, we saw the fishes!! Ooooh they were a delight to watch. I think I was even more enthralled in them and their exotic aquarium habitat than the kids. It reminded me of my Papa's own fish tank, where he just simply mixed all types of turtles, fishes and shellfish into one tank. They sort of ate each other. At the pet store, it somehow gave me a piece of mind, and I was already imagining my own cute little fish tank... My next project to save money for: my own exotic fish tank! And then Aie hollered and waved us over to where he and Arman were. Another fish tank with more exotic fishes... and Nemo, his Dad and even Dory!! It was a sight to behold...! The Nemo in the tank was even baby sized to give us the impression that it was Nemo. There was even a fish that resembled Shark Bait! I love Disney...

Finally, it was off to lunch. I was hungry and looking forward to fill the empty crevice that was my stomach. For breakfast I had some french toast and figured I was on my way to having regular meals soon. I was given the freedom to go wander and look for what interested me. I settled on Assam Laksa, the only thing there that ignited my appetite with a glass of ice cold lemon tea. I saw the condiments tray, and immediately filled up a little container with cili potong! I was salivating already. I am a slow eater, so when I arrived at the table, I couldn't wait to dig in. Fortunately, the others did not mind I started first. Shahnaz was already feeding the kids. I took my first bite and... OUCH!! My teeth and gums hurt! I thought they were on the mend! It looks like I am indeed calcium deprived... In the end I managed to only swallow one fourth of the noodles without chewing and finished slurping the soup. I was near to gagging and choking, and couldn't handle anymore of the solid food. My tummy continued to rumble long after we left the food court. I tried to rack my brains on what else I could consume without putting my teeth and gums to anymore torturous endeavours. 

Our final stop (I was still trying to rack my brains here) was Guardian, which I requested we stop by. My poor hubby has been very unwell the past week, with diarrhea which I think some certain food which has gone bad at this certain place is to be blamed.the poor man has been going to the toilet non-stop and vomited anything he ate. Until now his body repelled anything he ingested. I have been begging him to let me take him to the clinic but he prefers not to. So at Guardian (one of my fave place of all!) I asked the pharmacist anything at all that can help his condition. She passed 3 kinds of medication, which I pray to the Lord Almighty will help subside his worsened condition.

After paying for the drugs, we left Midvalley and walked through The Gardens to get to the parking lot. One day I will do all my shopping here with my endless stream of cash and pamper myself and my family with all the goodies available here (my inner mind theater)! For now, I would just look longingly... All of a sudden, a sweet smell beckoned me and tempted my roaring tummy, and I turned around and saw... Big Apple!! I knew that this can go down my throat as the donut is very soft and practically melts in your mouth. No, I am not exaggerating. I got in line and bought 2 Iceberg donuts (double the mouth melting), one for me and one for Arman. I took a few bites and decided that I was still putting the insides of my mouth through more unnecessary torturous endeavours... Sigh... I'll try to finish up later at home.


At home, Mak has arrived from Melaka! She was tired but still entertained the lot of us. I gave Syeel a call to tell her not to pick me up as I will not follow her to Rawang today. I want to look after Basham when he comes home tonight, as I don't want to leave him alone in his very weakened state. I was also hoping I could cajole him into going to the clinic tonight. Syeela said as long as I come home the next day, coz Papa has arrived from Medan and wants to see me, and they want to celebrate his homecoming, Sam's birthday and Mother's Day all rolled into one (as is our usual custom). I promised to after Basham's condition has shown a satisfying improvement. 

I finally felt tired, and will go home for a bath or two (I am always sweating easily these days...) and perhaps try to nap out my fatigue. But first I need to pack up Basham's medicines and pass to Aie, who can pass it to him at Ampang...

Whew, what a day... but it was a great stress reliever after what has transpired these past week and also last night... To Aie and Shahnaz, thanks for a great day out... I needed it...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Shall we do the rain dance?

It's been unusually hot out there under the sun... plus, the haze is back. I started wheezing all of a sudden when my asthma has not said hi to me in over 2 months! Even hubby said his cigarette tasted better than inhaling the air.
But no matter, anything that God gave us is a blessing. Now you can even do your laundry at 5pm and still it will dry up to perfect crispiness before 7pm. Those taking public transport can be rest assured their shoes will not be muddy by the end of the day. So we need to count our blessings instead (despite some minor grumbling, even mine... teehee) and pray for God to perhaps give us a bit of rain to quench our parched skin. He is Merciful to those who are Grateful...

Thank you Allah, Cinta Agungku... My baby and me thank you for the rumbling sound of thunder in the distance and the many tweets on the rain now scattering in many parts of this equatorial country... Alhamdulillah... Thou art Merciful and Generous...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Nearing the end of first trimester...

My appetite is picking up, instead of eating once every other day, i can now eat at least once a day... Yay! Hubby is ecstatic that he is indulging my every whim. 

The other day, I was lying on my stomach, and I felt a kick! or maybe it was gas? I don't think a kick would be felt right now, so it must be gas. I just thought my baby was annoyed that I squished it by lying on my tumy... Mummy's sorry, Baby! Won't happen again though... Hubby dah marah hehe...

Apart from my busy schedule thinking on what to eat, I am not over the death of my beloved cousin, the handsome and gold-hearted Arwah Abang Bad... as well as my beloved father-in-law... I miss them dearly... the recent loss of Abg Bad rekindled my memories of Bapak and how loving and welcoming to me he was since the first day I met him as Basham's girlfriend... And now Abg Bad has left us... My tears flowed constantly as I recalled my time with him since childhood. It not only brought tears to my eyes, but laughter to my heart as each memories of us and our close-knitted family danced in my mind. Al-fatihah to Bapak and Abg Bad, who are with God who loves you more... My unborn bundle of joy is a reminder of God to me, that Allah's gift of life is precious and we should appreciate those who are still with us... Amin...

As of now, I have lots on my plate, planning and working my way through many stuff, and pray to the Almighty that it will be successful... I have Syeela by my side to do this with... God willing, we will achieve success... Amin...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Fatigue Fighter... SO NOT!

Since my pregnancy (yay!!) 9 weeks ago, I have been experiencing symptoms that only unlucky pregnant women get. My twin's was a breeze, ate like there was no tomorrow, and was super active! Mine? Fatigue around the clock, intense nausea, toothache and bleeding gums, gas and bloating, shortness of temper, eating only 3 meals a week, and etc etc etc... Hubby is most patient with me, and for that, I love him so much... God will repay you in Jannah, Abang...

Regardless of this annoying symptoms, i feel like the luckiest woman alive as I am gifted by God with the miracle of life! I truly cannot wait to see my baby on 24 November 2011. I have had my first ultrasound at Damansara Medical Centre, and my gynecologist is my very own uncle, Doc Kamal... I fell in love with my baby at first sight... I wanna upload my ultrasound soon... but here's a peek at how my baby looks like now...

Mummy loves you!! Good night, Sayang...